What is this Self-Care Everyone is talking about?

Self- Care… Hmmmmm…..

(Content may be triggering for some.  Know that I am sending love to you.)

I am an Artist. Being an artist comes with some responsibility… such as expressing ourselves honestly and with our whole hearts.  I take this responsibility seriously.  I am a high energy high emotion kind of a girl. My heart has been on my sleeve for so long it has age spots and wrinkles, and I am now applying 40 SPF.  You get the picture.  I haven’t really been the champion for Self-Care and I am a true novice at the entire idea. I am trying to change that.

Today I read an article about Sandra Bullock (my fave) and her friend Jennifer Aniston (an inspiration for health) working thru Sandra’s grief over losing her partner recently. They, per the article, are reporting that they are visiting spas to spend time together and try to heal.  Hmmmmm, I don’t know if I can swing that, but, I can do other things.  Hikes, for example.  Running, pedicures once in a while (not often enough…sigh), a glass of wine with my husband and dog, lying on our second hand lounge chairs in our backyard star gazing and ART.

You may or may not know that we lost our Dad on the morning of April 26.  He took his own life.  This is plain talk, I know.  But, that is what happened and I feel no shame or apprehension telling you.   I feel just sorrow in search of understanding and peace.  Suicide seems to be more common than it was when I was growing up.  The suicide of a 91 year old man, who is our Dad…well…

Dad was also a high energy and emotion kind of a guy.  He moved through his life like a  lightning bolt, wielding his energy for both good and not so good.  I lived with this energy for almost 61 years. I loved my Dad, unconditionally, and spent more time with him than so many daughters have the honor to spend.  It wasn’t always easy, heck no it wasn’t.  Man on Man.  But that is LOVE right?  The ups and downs, the happies and sads, the unboundless Joy and the angers.  When I meditate on our lives together as a Dad and his daughter, as a family, then as a broken family and as a woman trying to keep her Dad on level ground, I will choose to take it ALL.  I learned so much from his journey up to the very last day of it.  Now, I find myself doing all the things; crying, begging, wagering, asking, reaching out and crying more.  It is like waves of it all. I want to feel it all so I can get through it all and arrive to the other side as a wiser and more blessed woman for the journey.  It is hard.

So, to this Self-Care everyone talks about.  What does it look like for me and for me as I grieve my Dad.  I miss him so.  But, I think I miss the Dad I had previously, honestly.  That is hard to unpack so I won’t.  But, for many of you IYKYK. Self-Care, for me now, looks like a lot of things.  Firstly, Forgiveness.  Not only needing forgiveness from him, but to me from me.  I never understood “forgiving someone for yourself.”  It seemed a little Out There for me. But, now I think I do understand.

Forgiveness is hard.  It sometimes feels better to carry that bag of hammers around with you.  Taking the easy way out. Going over all the hurt that came and comes from every direction.  Expecting people to love you as you love them.  Don’t.  Expectations (that bag of hammers I am talking about) are the Devil’s child and they will never serve you, trust me.  I have taken many for the team here.  All I got out of it was a sore heart and an auto-immune disease.

Self-Care also feels like Learning to me.  It would be more romantic to tell you all the things I Iearned from my Dad and my family.  In truth, I have learned more what Not to do.  Learning is about balance. These are lessons I will carry to the other side with me.  Along the way, I will teach every I know to my daughter and her family and my niece and nephew and their future families, and so on, for as long as I am here and beyond.  These lessons will be my legacy.

Time is also a part of Self-Care.  I do not and have never believed “Time heals all wounds”.  That is a load of BS to overt true healing.  Why?  Because it forces you to look ahead and not live in the moment of your suffering.  And if you don’t spend the time in your suffering you will never get to the healing.  However, if you give yourself that time… you will get there.  I will give myself time alone to think and breathe in the mountain air.  Time to run and reminisce.  Time to PAINT with JOY in my brush and heart.  Hopefully, passing that joy into to my work and then on to the people who see it.   That is my plan.  I am pretty tough (Thanks Dad), so I will make it happen.

Mostly Self-Care looks Acceptance.  Acceptance of Self and Others, just as we are.  If there is one thing I know now, it is that we are all perfect as we are.  We can never know what is in someone’s heart in the end.  All we can pray for is that we were in it, somewhere, anywhere.  And, it is accepting what we must do to live a happy and full life, each moment, every day. The first or Last day, accept that this is our journey and live it unapologetically.  My Dad Did. 

In closing, I would ask what Self-Care looks like for you.  I am going to need pointers in the coming weeks and years. 

I think I will go for a walk.  Wish me luck.

Xoxo,

Julie

I love you all.